As my little family prepares to make the transition to become a family of four, I have caught myself spending so much time thinking of what life will be like in just a few short weeks.
To be honest, I still feel that lingering feeling of worry, and sometimes panic. Is the baby ok? I am sure I am over the top in my worries. I also have my heart, trying to protect itself and my mind going to worst case scenarios. I have flashbacks of the pain and anguish I have experienced the last couple years. The what-ifs, could-be’s, and second guessing the unanswered questions.
With each day getting closer, I sense my hormones increasing and changing as I become more sentimental. I realize my little toddler and I will have another member to join us on all our outings and everyday at home.
I have started to relish the moments with my son and take more pictures, trying to make the next few weeks fun and enjoyable before his life changes and he’s no longer the center of attention.
I have spent hours reading birthing blogs and having flashbacks of my last birthing experience nearly two years ago. The pain, the anticipation, the worry, panic, all of it floods back at me. I have to remind myself I am brave, because I’m about to go through this all over again.
I remember the exhaustion, the hormones, the emotions, the pain, the worry, and sleepless nights, the late night readings on how to breastfeed, the tears and frustration. All of it. I still can’t believe I only slept 45 minutes at a time. Bless my husband for all the times he had to stay awake and keep me awake while feeding the baby.
I don’t think I could have been any more unprepared. I had no idea what to expect having a baby. I wish someone would have sent me links on breathing techniques I needed for birth, or warned me that sometimes the epidural fails, and to be prepared and brave in case that happens. It had not even crossed my mind that the epidural might not work. I thought it was you get it or you don’t…. And if you don’t it would be quick. Good grief I was wrong! I also had no idea the amount of pain you would go through. Is there a way to be fully prepared for that?? I wish someone would have told me exactly what I needed to have postpartum. Or taught me how to breastfeed, or what foods would help my milk come in. My goodness I was in over my head.
But then, there are moments like tonight, when my son kissed my belly and said “baby.”, and the emotions start flooding as I reminisce on the beautiful moments of becoming a mother two years ago.
I remember rocking a perfect angel straight from heaven, and this peaceful feeling around the baby? The baby breath- having this little baby breathing on you, I don’t think there is anything sweeter.
The two hours of peace Blake and I had together as the reality hit us that this perfect child was ours, and that night we were on our own to figure out how to be parents.
I remember Blake waking me up a few times throughout the night. I was absolutely exhausted. I had never felt so tired in my life. He would gently wake me up, place the crying baby in the bassinet as he would slowly help me up so I could hold the baby to nurse. He then would climb in the tiny bed with me and hold up Hudson because I had no strength. I don’t think Blake slept that night. He was so worried about me and the baby. If he wasn’t tending to me he was with the baby. That night he helped bathe him, and went to Hudson’s hearing exams and blood work. He was the real MVP that night.
I am embarrassed to say that I was so exhausted I truly could not hear my new baby crying. I was out of it. Blake was so patient with me and would say, “You haven’t slept for two days of being in labor. You just had a baby, it’s okay that you’re so tired. You are an amazing Mom already. I am staying awake, and I will walk and rock him while you rest.” He knew I needed those affirmations repeatedly.
Then he would take Hudson and I would be fast asleep within seconds. In the moments I was wide awake, I was in a bit too much pain to get up to rock Hudson, so I would watch Blake rock him as he gently burped him.
I took a few pictures of these moments. To this day, they are my favorite pictures from the hospital. It just reminds me of the wonderful man I married. And how seriously he took his role as husband and father that first night as he tried to take care of two people who could not help themselves.
Although that was probably the most painful and tiring night of my life, it was the night I fell in love with my husband all over again in an entirely new way as I watched him embrace the role of father.
That night our lives changed forever. As I look back and remember that beautiful night, I look forward to the next few weeks as we anticipate the arrival of one more.
I will worry, that won’t change. And I know I will be exhausted and have some recovery. However, I hope I will be able to relish the tender moments. I hope I will be able to see my husband in that same light and with that same love as he embraces yet another role and more responsibility as another child is added to our small family.
I hope this time around I will ask for help when I need it. That I will ask the questions I need to. That I will have the baby products and the nursing knowledge to make things a bit more smooth.
Most importantly, I hope I will have the capacity to see the miracle of life and of my sweet life, right in front of me.
XO,
Kelsie Ann
